Last year I had written the following write-up as an Instagram caption & then archived it, as I hide those scars too. But here it is again, in my newsletter, giving these words a better place.
There are twenty-four stitches across my chest. Every time I dress up, I dress up quick because I can't bear to see them. Every time I buy clothes, I see clothing that effectively hides them. Where there are posts telling you it's okay to show cleavage now, my concern has always been that if my scar is visible or not. I do this unconsciously and I am certainly so exhausted by it. My parents avoided a plastic surgery because:
a) why do you need it if you're not going to enter such profession like modelling where it can be seen
b) we didn't have the money for it then.
I brushed off this feeling for so so long and how it created problems for me to be intimate with anyone. You know if they see those scars, they're going to ask me why? And I have to repeat the same story. It is getting so tiresome. I know they're scares to my beautiful, but hey they create a hell lot of anxiety with the added pressure of being a female & being embodied with 'beauty'. I love wearing sports bra while working out, I love those cute crop tops of my roommate, I love that black dress which I can wear on date but one thing lingers in my mind, what if they saw it and ask me? same story to tell? same anguish to remember? that there was literally a hole in my heart, and alas there's a metaphorical one too now. I just want to wake up one day, stop the scar check and just live freely, if it means something.
On Being Podcasts are a major part of my life where I’ve discovered beautiful things about life. Their article talked about asking this question (in the image below) to people in your life & learn that storytelling can impact us quite deeply than we think. So, here is me asking this question and you will get a story in return :)
Things that I hide in daylight (other than my scars):
The random urge to hug people. Especially my best friend. (but she is NOT a hug person at all)
The frustration of using a slow laptop & waiting 10 minutes for the chrome tap to open.
The guilt of being deeply flawed human who can’t understand certain emotions.
The constant question hovering my mind, ‘so, what are we doing today and is it all worth it?’
The confusion - ‘if I did the right thing?’ and then wondering exactly what ‘right’ things are.
The urge to hold a get-together of all the random connections I’ve build online.
The feeling of teaching Constitution (and learning) that beautiful piece of document to everyone I know.
The feeling that I talk about love more than I love. Does that make me a person who is literally doing everything in theory?
The fear of being ghosted by guy - AGAIN.
The plant-parent feeling of not wanting my plants to die and checking up on them by the hour!
What are you hiding in broad daylight?
I recently went to Sameer Rahat’s place where one of my favourite singer Manikaant played his debut single. However, few years ago I had found his profile where he had done a cover of one of my old bollywood song - Jane Woh Kaise Log The
And here’s a link of him singing the song at that night as well! Also, spot me haha. One of the best days of my year *cries*
That’s it for now :)
There is something moving about hearing someone open up or share something deeply personal to them. You feel a mix of admiration, liberation, and cathartic relief. Thank you for making me feel that mixture of emotions. To respond to your prompt - as soon as I read it two things struck me. 1) It reminded me of a time when I literally got lost in a forest for hours. Scary but memorable. 2) Metaphorically speaking, as you get by life, you learn things; you grow, you understand reality better, you are more mature; you have better worldviews, you are more patient, you get that things aren't black and white, your opinions are more nuanced, and you let go of your insecurities. So when your mature self looks back, you get this feeling of "oh how lost I was, glad I figured out those stuff". So in some sense, growing old is all about being less lost and life is all about finding your way?